


Zongastuck

by Meldream



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-13 20:11:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/507285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meldream/pseuds/Meldream





	Zongastuck

Seth Arash - cthulhuCard - Your name is SETH. A number of TOMES OF THE MYTHOS are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for INVESTIGATING THE OLDRITCH. You have all the PROPER SLEUTHQUIPMENT like magnifying glasses and fingerprint dust. You have a fondness for CARD GAMES, and will one day be the best at POKER. You also enjoy reading about the brave INVESTIGATORS who fight off FLUTHULHU. 

Owen White - timesArrow - You are now the other boy. Your name is OWEN. It is a COMFORTABLE 68 DEGREES inside your climate-controlled BUNKER COMPLEX beneath the Alaskan permafrost. It has been 68 degrees for as long as you can remember. You were raised here by your MOTHER, whose SANITY you have doubted for some time. Your doubts were dispelled a year ago when she was arrested for blowing up a COMPUTER LAB which was developing an obscure video game. 

Her MILITANT WAYS have to a large extent determined your pastimes and INTERESTS. You are proficient in HAND TO HAND COMBAT, well versed in the assembly, operation, and violent disassembly of TECHNOLOGY, and are an avid reader. Your LIBRARY consists of new TECHNICAL MANUALS, old philosophical texts and BILDUNGSROMANS, and ancient tomes of MAJYYK. Your MOTHER has insisted you read the TOMES, which you have done even though you are pretty sure MAJYYK is fake as shit. You have ostensibly been raised to prevent the APOCALYPSE, but you cannot fathom what sort of crazy apocalypse would require this sort of upbringing. You are similarly uncertain about how you're going to be preventing JACK SQUAT from down here.

The bunker has a surprisingly robust network connection, and the INTERNET has been your window to the outside world. You have published online your attempts at GERMAN ROMANTIC FANFICTION and the SICKNIETZSCHE! webcomic, both of which have been largely IGNORED. Through the internet you have gained an appreciation for the GODS OF HEAVY METAL, whom you at times attempt to emulate on your ROBOGUITAR. It is a temperamental instrument.

You would LEAVE if you could, but you have been told NOT TO and the vault door is coded to her GENETIC SIGNATURE anyway. On the BRIGHT SIDE, you believe you could survive a nuclear war or a meteor impact in here.

 

Hank Roark - galtsGulch - Your name is Hank. You are 14 years old and the child CEO of your own TECH COMPANY about to release. You love all things AYN RAND, including the book cover art and other ART DECO or ROMANTIC REALISM work. You are all about LOADS OF MONEY. You use your BLACK MARKET ties to buy souped-up NERF GUNS and ATLAS FIGURINES made from CONFLICT MINERALS. Conflict? Pssh. All production is a conflict between laziness and work, or so your mom apparently used to say. "Apparently" because you never knew your parents, only their OBJECTIVIST philosophy. Your CARETAKER is the family BUTLER. You absolutely loathe the song FIREFLIES and even the mention of OWL CITY makes you cringe. Art is objective, you say, and these dolts know nothing about good music. You basically live in your FALLINGWATER-INSPIRED HOME, built in lieu of a penthouse on top of your SKYSCRAPER.

Iris Hayes - garrulousCurator - Your name is IRIS. You live in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA with your PARENTS, though you rarely see either of them. Your FATHER is always busy with ZONGA, his SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT AGENCY, and your MOTHER is still recovering from an ILLNESS acquired some time ago. Instead, you prefer to spend your time alone, preferable inside away from any DANGEROUS AND TERRIFYING BODIES OF WATER. Usually you are found in the LIBRARY either READING, writing FANFIC OF CLASSIC LITERATURE, or surfing the INTERNET. You are CURIOUS about almost everything, but your favorite topics of study include AVIANS, ORIGAMI, and MAGIC, which you believe is REAL AS SHIT. Most of your INTERNET CHUMS have tried to convince you otherwise, but you see no reason to give up hope just yet.

Mary Morte - agrarianAdjudicator - Your name is MARY MORTE. You live alone on an ISOLATED FARM which you inherited from your RECENTLY DECEASED PA. While you’ve enjoyed farming FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, you could never quite GROW ANYTHING. You’re still not sure why this is, but you suspect it has something to do with VOODOO CURSES which you suspect are VERY REAL THREATS. It seems everything you touch has a tendency to DIE SLOWLY AND HORRIBLY. It’s almost like you’re MADE OF DEATH. Luckily enough, your Pa left you some FARM BOTS that manage to do the farming for you. Your only chores include PROTECTING THE CROPS from GENETIC HORROR EXPERIMENTS that wander in from across the ABONDONED SUPERHIGHWAY, and dealing with ROGUE WEEDS and BAD CROPS with SUPREME JUSTICE.  
With a lot of free time, you enjoy wandering around the farm WHILE DOING AMAZING ACROBATIC PIROUTTES in order to avoid touching anything. You also enjoy getting on your SHITTY ANCIENT COMPUTER and playing CHUMBOOK GAMES which your friends contend are STEAMING PILES OF CASUAL SHIT. One game in particular, FARMHAMLET, has you absolutely hooked, and you have made it a part of your fetch modus. Unfortunately, your SHITTY VOODOO CURSE manages to penetrate into the virtual world as well, making you a RATHER SHITTY FARMER IN ALL ASPECTS.  
Today however the package from ZONGA, THE MAKERS OF FARMHAMLET, has arrived. They decided to send you two PREVIEW COPIES OF THEIR NEW GAMES, FAMINEFORTRESS and SBURB(?), the latter of which your friends have AGREED TO PLAY WITH YOU.  
Your CHUMHANDLE is agrarianAdjudicator and you enjoy talkin’ about farmin’.

Dick Riley - trickyTesticles - Your name is DICK RILEY and you live in the CAPITAL OF THE U S OF A. Your OSTENSIBLY FRENCH PARENTS abandoned you at the REAGAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT which you presume was to give you A NICE US CITIZENSHIP. You don’t resent them much for that because now you lead an INTERESTING LIFE that revolves around manipulating the CONSUMERIST SYSTEM by buying products from ONLINE RETAIL STORES and then abusing their GENEROUS RETURN POLICIES and posting FALSE REVIEWS against UPSTANDING BUSINESSES. In addition, you love RUNNING ELEBORATE SCAMS ON PEOPLE YOUNGER THAN YOU and treasure your vast collection of TERRIBLE REGGAE MUSIC. You enjoy joyriding ILLEGALLY.


End file.
